Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate

You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.

To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:

Do you want something from the gas station?

I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.

Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.

My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.

“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.

Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT

Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.

[waking up on sunday morning]

me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night

*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*

You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”

*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*

Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it

what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.

Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄

me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up

my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass

me: sorry this place is such a mess

her: it’s my house

I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!

I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.

Tree:

Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house

Tree: oh no

Tree Doctor: you have humans

Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter

Me:

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired

I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??

“How’s the diet going?”

I beep when I back up now.

Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.

Breaking news:

I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.

Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy

Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”

When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire

Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer