Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!

This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day

If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies

announcing “i’m pregnant”

– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?

screaming “there’s something inside of me”

– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?

me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us

Well, this certainly took a turn

I love Sunday nights because that’s the night I ask my kids if they have any homework that needs to get done & always get a resounding “NO!”

And then someone will be asking for printer paper at 11pm.

Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?

One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.

cop: is this your chocolate factory?

wonka: why do you ask

cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor

wonka: that 8 year old owns it now

Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!

*looks at wife, wife shakes her head

Me: I’m not allowed

*kicks dirt

[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back

I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.

me: I need to borrow a math textbook

librarian: edition?

me: and subtraction if you have it

They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.

The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am

I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?

Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.

7-year-old: How late can I stay up?

Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.

7: I’m going to bed now.

I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”

SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR

I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.

Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?

My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!

If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.

My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?

Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve

People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.

You learn something every day