how to exercise your calf muscles
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[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
me: i just don’t feel employable. no, beyond that. something is fundamentally broken or missing in me. i belong nowhere.
my landlord: Hey 😡👊 Don’t say that about my tenant 💔
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
I asked my mom about parenting and she said: “the first 40 years are the hardest.”
Her oldest child is 38. 🤣
Many hands make light work
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Bruh 😂
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out