how to exercise your calf muscles
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*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
smh
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
The “police officer” has been a failed experiment, we must return to “lawman” and it’s a guy who’s also the town dentist and saloon proprietor
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
You’re never alone. Theres mold
Thursday
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Astrologer: do you know what we say about November birthdays?
Me: that the Valentines lingerie worked?
Astrologer: no
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.