Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.

One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.

if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia

Noah

My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.

when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up

*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF

(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?

You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”

You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.

If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.

Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-

Robin: you LIKE him!

Batman: omg shut up lol I do not

Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows

me: *drops banger tweet

them: ha! this is funny, I wonder why he doesn’t have more followers

me: *drops another tweet

them: oh, I see

Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.

I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.

Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory

Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor

her: i’m having trouble walking after last night

me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun

It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming

No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”

A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere

Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.

BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.

Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”

OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!

*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*

Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.

[i arrive in hell]

Satan: welcome

Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol

Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up

Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao

Satan:

Me:

Satan:

[i arrive in super hell]

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.

Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look