Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕

if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.

Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”

The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.

GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.

JESUS: What’s a martyr?

GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?

ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision

Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lying

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth

Woke up against my better judgment again

her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs

me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually

Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.

My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.

I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.

If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.

Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.

Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.

*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*

People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.

dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕

The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands

her: there’s a spider in the bath

me: ok I’ll get him a little towel

skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say

me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd

Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…

Bullshit.

What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.

Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that

[on my deathbed]

“Grandchildren…great-grandchildren. I want to give you the best advice I can offer from a life well-lived. Don’t read the comments.”

*dies*

Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE

Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order

*opens fridge door, looking for friends *

[Lingerie store]

ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.

Be brave. Tell your boss “I don’t think we are quite there yet” when he uses your first name.

Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.

Her: That’s fine by me!

*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*