Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it

Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35

Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.

I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.

The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.

Cw: Ignorance is bliss

Me: Explains why you’re so happy

HR: It’s good to see you again

Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?

I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens

I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”

MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:

Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.

“Sorry my phone died”

-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened

HAPPY EARTH DAY!

Suck it, Neptune.

Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.

Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.

Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god

Plastic surgeon: We can help with-

Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement

Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.

6yo Me: I can’t do this.

Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.

6yo Me: I cannot do this.

A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.

I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.

a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself

A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.

But it was returned…
no strings attached.

Wait…what ?

I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.

Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.

Him: You hit me three times!

[First day as a personal chef]

How do you take your poptart?

Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*

Imperial officer: What’s the password?

Han: It’s “password.”

Vader: We should really change that.

This is the weirdest thing I’ve ever typed, but I have had a treadmill for four years and TODAY OUT OF THE BLUE IT TALKED.

[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”

Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”

Me: *skips*

My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE