Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.

Friday the 13th doesn’t even feel creepy cause bad things happen everyday now. 🫶🏽🫶🏽

I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..

…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:

“This isn’t for me.”

FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!

ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*

wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?

I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?

I don’t care what the scale says.

I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.

Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.

Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too

Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.

Don’t tell me how to lift my baby

I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO

SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??

ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.

SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.

I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”

Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE

had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow

I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.

Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?

What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?

*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils

Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.

‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.

*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*

Which knight can find anything?

Sir Chengine.

Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.

I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash

A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.

Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.

I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.

Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.