How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
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*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
“playing devil’s advocate” should cause explosive diarrhea 1 out of every 5 times someone (your coworker) says it
Naps are like gambling for the tired. You either wake up refreshed or wake up the next day to lots of angry texts.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.