How to find Kentucky on a map
![]()
You Might Also Like
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
![]()
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Remember folks 😂
![]()
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.