How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
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The struggle is real.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
My kid told me that school today was “bad” and “sooo boring” and all because a teacher said he wasn’t allowed to catch lizards at recess
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
I finally confronted the person that’s eating all my snacks at home, bro had the nerve to hide in the bathroom mirror.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
me when the borders lift
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
“You handled that with such grace” are words that have never been spoken to me.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”