Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: Teach me to fight

Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*

[later]

Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground

Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him

starting my period on election day because i’m a true patriot who bleeds for this country

[face to face with a serial killer]

Me: So this is how it ends.

SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.

Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?

Son: …

Me: It’s also a famous explorer.

Son: Dora?

Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.

if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away

I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW

Let’s take a family bike ride in this beautiful weather so the kids can complain about family, bike rides, and beautiful weather that has no wifi.

My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them

Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.

Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*

Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*

Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”

the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”

Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.

the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell

If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.

THEN: Pizza

NOW: Cauliflower Pizza

THEN: Mashed Potatoes

NOW: Mashed Cauliflower

THEN: Fried Rice

NOW: Cauliflower Rice

THEN: Steak

NOW: Cauliflower Steak

THEN: Leather Jacket

NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat

THEN: A Car

NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.

I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’

Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this

Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket

No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”

They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”

[feels adventurous]

As a kid: *climbs a tree*

As a teen: *dyes hair*

In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*

In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*

And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.

Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit

“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”

– Viruses

you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too

My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.

[Picking up a prescription]

Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical

If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.

me: can I get a hug?

bartender: *checking cocktail list*