Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.

Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone

One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.

At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.

*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*

Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!

Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.

Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.

Me: *smugly* I couldn’t name any Taylor Swift Songs

Them: I think she already named them.

“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said

My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.

I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.

teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?

Edgar: *shrugs*

teacher: Poe, try

Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?

[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants

I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”

The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.

Never forget.

[Zoom meeting with boss while working from home]

Boss: I need you to finish your projec-

[4 kids run by me. One is on fire, one is naked, 2 are in ski masks]

Boss: Never mind

[job interview]

My greatest weaknesses are I’m terrible with money and a compulsive liar

The government: You’re hired

Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.

I need to wipe.

beavers are so funny why are you a little rat doing hydraulic engineering

ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.

i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys

Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.

“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.

The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.

Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately

Trying to imagine being the first swimming pool designer to hear a client say “Yes. Like a kidney. Exactly.”

Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?

Child: You’re old, it’s expected.

Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.

Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?

Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.

Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-

Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!