Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous

My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.

“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”

Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.

Me: If you could sleep with —

Wife: Ryan Reynolds!

Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.

So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.

i was baptized in a car wash

oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman

[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*

*pointing at menu* this is nutrient free right? does this come nutrient free?

The 5 most important things to teach my kids:

1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count

CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?

It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.

Me: I’ll take this shovel. Do you carry limes

Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean quicklime?

Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?

Cashier: Limes

Me: The other one. The dead body one

[hiding under bed from murderer]

cellmate: I know you’re there

Can’t believe it’s 2024 and the only options napkin dispensers offer are one shredded napkin or 20 napkins.

neighbors are automatically creepy because they’re strangers who know where you live

me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years

I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.

I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say

Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.

Justice is a dish best served cold.

If it was served warm, it would be justwater.

I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”

The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”

The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”

When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.

Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.

All right then, keep your secrets

Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.

Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills

Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.