@SoVeryBritish

How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips

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@DrLickenstein

my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned

@Elizasoul80

I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.

@causticbob

Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.

Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.

@BradSheffield

Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns

@diaruba74

I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.

@envydatropic

I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?

@VodkaThursday

There’s a lot of mountains high enough to keep me away from you. You see that Everest mountain? Ain’t no way I’m climbing that for you.

@Ygrene

[3am]

Me:

My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises

@withanewname

Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast