How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
You Might Also Like
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.