Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%

I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid

OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!

AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!

WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**

A bad analogy is like a cucumber

My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.

[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.

PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD

Signed: nOt The cAt

I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’

If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.

“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab

when i was a teenager my dad said “never feel guilty about not working, the rich dont feel guilty about it so why should you?” and it was a cool bit of parenting advice i think

Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*

👾👾👾

How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.

Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.

ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.

“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.

My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.

Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.

i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili

Unpopular opinion

The moon is actually way more useful than the sun. Because the moon gives us light at night when it’s dark. The sun only gives us light during the day when it’s already bright.

Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.

Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?

My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.

If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.

This dude got his own movie?

Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man

The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me

Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?

Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.

My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.