Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.

I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint

-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume

Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.

RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa

If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I

Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.

The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.

Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral

Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.

The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”

How to find out if you old.

(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.

I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know

I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court

The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.

I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE

I’m trying to shower you with affection. It doesn’t matter how I got into your bathroom.

Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.

Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages

When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?

…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda

Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.

I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!

Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?

Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.

I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence

me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.

refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES

I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.

my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice

Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?

Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.

Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.

*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.