Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion

HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?

ME: You bet I did.

Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.

Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”

Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”

I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up

Me: I would love to sleep with you

Her: ok I think we’re ready for this

[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]

On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.

No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.

Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct

[first day as a hairdresser]

customer: can you take off a foot?

me: *sharpening axe* no problem

honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral

my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas

You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth

I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.

7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww

Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!

Wife: He’s your son!

Me: So you say! But I don’t…

*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*

Me: …ok fine he’s my son.

My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.

I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.

Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.

Customer: can I pay with my phone?

Me: no we need dollars

BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.

MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*

This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery

I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body

I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended

Friend: Whatcha up to?

Me: Just chewing my toenails.

Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.

Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?

Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.

To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.

When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.

[at Hooters]

Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being

Waitress: look, it’s my choi-

Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters

My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.