Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?

Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?

Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅

Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.

Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*

“now i’ve seen everything” no you haven’t. have you seen a frog drive a submarine? shut up

My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.

[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane

I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid

Cop: Sir…

I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-

Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING

I threw the ball too far during fetch

Cop: Fair enough

tis the season

I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.

Not all heroes wear capes…

6-year-old: Is it cold outside?

Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.

6: I should stay home.

In dog beers I’ve only had 2.

We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.

If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up

A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.

White parent Vs Arab parents

Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!

This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.

animal planet had a show called “the most extreme” where they would do lists of animals. they did an episode on the deadliest animals. i was ten years old when i watched this episode and i cannot tell you how pissed off i was when they revealed that number one was “mosquito”.

ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own

FRIEND: that sucks

ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work

It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…

“Bob is coming over for dinner.”

Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?

*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*

Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?

Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!

B: here’s your coffee. $12.32

M: thank you

We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.

please stand back I’m about to make this worse

[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?

The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.