How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
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My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Always a metermaid never a meter
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
#polloftheday
*pointing at menu* this is nutrient free right? does this come nutrient free?
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.