How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
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6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Brouhaha (noun): the feeling of joy upon discovering someone has made you a cup of tea.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
gentlemen, hear me out
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder