Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.

Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.

Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.

Me: What fresh hell is this?

Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!

Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog

Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?

I want that job. I could really screw with some people.

(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels

BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.

NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?

BUZZ: Nope

*5 minutes silence*

BUZZ: OK, yep.

Welcome to your late 40s from now on you will no longer be in “good health” but in “good health for your age”

I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.

My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving

Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?

NEMESIS: i hate you

ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend

NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?

ME: i’ll ask my mom

I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.

Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.

i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat

Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.

Me: you want french toast for breakfast?

Toddler: yes.

Me: manners?

Toddler: no thank you.

The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.

The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.

When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.

A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.

My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.

MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u

I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.

It’s called an oughtobiography.

Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.

The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!

…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.

ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.

MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.

We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.

That incredible ability of cats to only throw up on carpeted floors.

i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy