Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.

A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone

3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider

Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants

[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]

Bedtime.

Satan: welcome to your own hell where…

me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉

Satan:…everyones a comedian.

me: haha i just like to keep it light.

Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.

me: oh god

What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house

A spoo-key.

“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”

Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?

Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous

I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.

surely THIS is the open bar where i will finally learn restraint

People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.

ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place

Doubling capacity by allowing aircraft take off from both ends of the runway didn’t go well. You learn something new every day in this job!

Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.

your honor my client chooses dare

Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.

Why are Facebook divorce announcements always like “it is with great sadness we have decided to end our journey together to take our own paths” and not “I can’t stand Cody anymore” or “We can no longer tolerate being in the same room any longer”?

No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.

[1983]

FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!

ME: Hahaha, cool!

[just now]

ME: OH SHIT BILLY

My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.

7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?

Me: I’m going to be completely hones-

7: *begins crying*

Me: Daddy did. He totally did.

Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.

cop: can you describe the suspect

witness: he was no more than 6 feet

cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god

My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol

Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.

Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.

Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.

3: I know what’s keeping me awake

Me: What?

3: The air

Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix

Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.