How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
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yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
TV 20 years ago: “it starts out clunky but if you suffer through the first 45 episodes it starts to almost get good!”
TV now: “If this 8hrs of tv doesn’t break all viewing records within the first 20 minutes of its release we’re going to shoot the cast”
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Did my cat write this
apparently this year was written by stephen king
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.