Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

From my Mom

*gets hit by a car*

Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”

Me: “Please… I need my… phone”

*opens Twitter*

Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”

Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?

Me, adding fuel to the fire: I’m just here to help

My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.

Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.

Then they finished in eight.

When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits

On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.

dark side of the loom

ACED my prostate exam!

Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.

The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?

What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*

Hey Fugeddaboutit

What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.

*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..

* whole family gasps while gazing intently*

Me: …so many…DM Rooms

Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.

Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?

Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.

me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today

platter of various cheeses:

God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail

–the invention of zebras

I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.

Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?

“Who’s the new guy?”
“We’ll explain later.”
“But-“
“Just look at the camera, Steve.”

Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.

What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue

I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.

Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?

I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.

I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department

[commercial for gymnastics]

Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?