Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.

I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move

When I was little my folks would take me to Kmart and I’d walk off straight to security and tell them my mom was lost and get a lollipop.

skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. that’s the toddler injury

YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.

Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”

Her: “Yes”

Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”

“Wait, what?!”

“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.

I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.

BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep

I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.

All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.

[NASCAR Press Conference]

REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?

DRIVER: Fast circles

Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go

Bad Batman: Ben Affleck

The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.

Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.

Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?

Ruffles: bark!

Me: a word to describe shouting an order?

Ruffles: bark!

Friend: he’s just woofing

Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot

wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll

Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?

Me: When she comes

Him: I know but when

Me: When she comes dude

Him: That’s not a time

Me: I’m going off of the information I have

Him: Do you know the horses she has?

Me: Yes six white horses

Him: See how do you know that

Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.

I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me

me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out

[45 mins later]

camera man: should we see other stuff now?

me: *out of breath* no

the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison

Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?

Her: WHAT?!

Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?

*listening to music at the beach*

6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?

Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.

6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.

Me: That is correct, yes.

There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.

[at a dive bar]

Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.

Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.

My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.

The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.

I challenged him to a rap battle.

Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”

6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.

That stung.