Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was

Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything

Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-

Me:

H: Your mom is very smart

*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar

Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?

Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.

Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral

*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*

This is how I live now.

got my mind on my money and my money

is nowhere to be found.

Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.

I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.

So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.

A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:

“That’s a bit of a blow”

dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*

a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target

I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.

Said hello to someone, they didn’t hear me, immediately assumed it was some sort of sixth sense situation

I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.

Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.

The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.

*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.

me: I want to be handsome like my dad

friend: is your dad handsome?

me: no but he wants to be too

there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.

Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds

Cop: know how fast you were going?

Me: 30

Cop: faster

Me: 217

Cop: what? no 72

Me: 54

Cop: I already told-

Me: negative 12

Cop: get out

Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.

You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.

Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life

*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*

[Commercial for axes]

[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]

*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”

GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually

Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.

Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.

What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.

So Ravenclaw.