Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(flirting with the waitress) so how hot does the oven have to be to melt the tuna?

Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude

“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.

i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket

Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.

[Talking Heads GPS]

YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.

If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.

That’s probably where I’m selling it at.

When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.

I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.

using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me

My 11yo got a hold of the grocery app, and apparently we need 50 bags of wings.

To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:

That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic

Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.

Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars

Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best

JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees

I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.

dinosaurs are always described as “roaming” the earth which is patronizing as hell i bet they had places to go and important shit to do

Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit

All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”

Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.

*leans forward*

*leans back*

*leans forward*

*leans back*

Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?

Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!

I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.

[Surrounded by a million deer]

Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.

Homer: D’oh.

wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix

A policeman stops a car…

Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”

Miner: “Mine.”

Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.

Genie: You have three wi–

Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]

Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?

Me: No, I’m good.

Husband: Are you sure?

Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…

and if you can a coke…

and a cheeseburger…

Can you also swing by Taco Bell?