I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
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one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
Breaking news:
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Someone just threatened to call me later
Time heals everything 🙂
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”