How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
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I’m writing a story about a guy who goes searching for parts to build a bookcase. It’s a journey of shelf discovery.
…No, YOU shut up.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
If I had a party I wouldn’t tell you when to leave but there will be signs.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
could’ve been anyone
how much would they have to pay you to be the model for this article
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
you guys HAVE to try the golden retriever in springfield. it is soooo good
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy