Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”

Me: I just heard a noise

WebMD: Cancer

Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.

Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.

My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close

I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.

Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.

Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.

Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.

Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”

ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?

LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*

Nobody:

Absolutely nobody:

3: Mommy, I hid your phone.

I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig

I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.

People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.

Still writing HBO Max on my checks

things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves

[Confessional Booth]

Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.

Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!

Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.

[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]

“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”

My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.

[first day as a teacher]

*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”

[the lamaze class seems confused]

[first day on the job at a mattress store]

Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.

Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.

[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days

Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there

I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.

My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.

Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.

A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.

#Caturday

Thick as shit.

A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.

My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.