How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
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Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
I’ve texted someone to ring me on the train purely so I can answer and say: “I can’t talk – I’m on the quiet coach.” All this to send a passive-aggressive message to the talkers around me. Tragic. British. Petty.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
The perfect job for me would be the person staining things for detergent commercials.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me