Where’s Jesus when you need him. There’s only 2 fish sticks left and I’ve got company coming.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
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*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
My cashier at the grocery store bagged the tomatoes with the ketchup and I swear I could hear them screaming.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
Me: *Turns router back on*
The Orthodontist wants to pull my daughter’s 2 loose baby teeth & charge me $250. I bought the biggest bag of caramels I could find for $5.
There’s this woman in my office who is wearing the same outfit as yesterday and she reeks of tequi……ok it’s me.
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
WHO DID THIS?! 😂🙌🏼
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.