How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
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Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Happy Taco Tuesday
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Herpes is trending, good job people