@sixfootcandy

How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”

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@biggsmoke814

Where’s Jesus when you need him. There’s only 2 fish sticks left and I’ve got company coming.

@YearOfRat

My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.

@wickedsuga

My cashier at the grocery store bagged the tomatoes with the ketchup and I swear I could hear them screaming.

@FatherWithTwins

8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house

Me: Ok, have fun!

8yo: *Leaves*

Me: *Turns router back on*

@Sassafrantz

The Orthodontist wants to pull my daughter’s 2 loose baby teeth & charge me $250. I bought the biggest bag of caramels I could find for $5.

@semple42

There’s this woman in my office who is wearing the same outfit as yesterday and she reeks of tequi……ok it’s me.

@david8hughes

[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.

@Shade510

A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.