Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried

“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.

I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.

I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka

Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class

“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”

Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.

My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?

Me: No

Son: he’s in the ICU

Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”

I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.

Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.

Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.

I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.

Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.

Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.

Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself

[sitting in dentist’s chair]

Dentist: get out of my living room

TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?

Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.

TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step

Me: Why do you say that?

TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard

I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.

Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy

me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens

Do you like vampires?

🟩 Nosferatu

✅ Yesferatu

I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”

DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!

1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. Me

Things my wife doesn’t want in cider

man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”

Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.

Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.

(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….

Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.

Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.

She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.

This trial is so absurd 😭

My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!

Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.

She’s gotten sick of pizza.

The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…