Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Sarah is dead.

Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…

How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin

To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.

I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.

Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!

Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*

Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.

Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating

Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow

I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.

wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you

Dr Frankenstein: he has a name

wife: DOES HE

Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants

Kid: Where do babies come from?

Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.

Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?

Me: So when a man and a woman…

Boss I didn’t win Powerball please ignore previous text. I WILL be in today & everybody should NOT get fucked

That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.

Destined to be a firefighter from birth.

Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”

Me:”You mean ASAP?”

Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”

FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes

ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!

I’ve texted someone to ring me on the train purely so I can answer and say: “I can’t talk – I’m on the quiet coach.” All this to send a passive-aggressive message to the talkers around me. Tragic. British. Petty.

If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.

Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.

*Answers door naked*

Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲

Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.

Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot

Me: ok

My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate

Me: ok

gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic

COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.

9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.

Fun Fact:

The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.

Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.

News: Hillary won the debate!

My friends: Bernie won the debate!

Trump: I won the debate!

Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!

I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.

Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.

My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.