Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:

Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.

Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner

My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.

Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.

*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*

🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶

A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀

I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.

To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.

So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.

Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.

You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE

[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]

Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM

GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.

MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong

Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.

I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.

Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words

Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.

some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil

9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.

As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.

U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg

Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good

If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.

divorce is so weird why do I have an ex-aunt

“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA

Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.

[After date, walking her to her door]

Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.

My wife asked me, “How do I look?”

I said, “With your eyes.”

I almost lost mine.

My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with

[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]

Me: what is this

Climate: change