How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
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Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
shut up and take my money
Stop making fast and furious movies.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
my sentiments exactly
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
