How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
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My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
All generalizations are stupid.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.