How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
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Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
this makes me so uncomfortable
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
Why are there no bring your friend to work days so that they can see you have a serious job and do serious things for a living
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
no exceptions
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
Hot hot hot 🥵
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
The best-selling postcard of all time depicted a man and a woman under a tree. The man, reading a book, says ‘Do you like Kipling?’ and the woman responds: ‘I don’t know, you naughty boy. I’ve never kippled’. It sold 6 million copies