Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?

Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.

Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.

3-year-old: OK

*breaks into song*

*turns on every talking toy*

*detonates fireworks*

bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs

Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products

[playing poker]

“I’m all in”

*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*

[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale

Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.

Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”

[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes

Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressing

Saying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper

(Hugging)

Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?

Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.

Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.

Him:

I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!

My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.

Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god

my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend

You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.

Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.

Nobody:

My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?

if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base

Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!

Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.

Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?

Apparently being able to recite every word of the song ‘Shoop’, wasn’t part of the skill set they were looking for at this job interview.

We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead

Second person to try hang gliding: Wow thanks for letting me be the first person to try this

Inventor: Suuure

[Burping a baby]

Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”

This is sending me to another galaxy

My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass

i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.

Judge: Order in the court

[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?

hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost and I’ve decided to initiate legal action against Universal Music Group (UMG) and Spotify