How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
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If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
Produce goes bad three times faster when you’re the one who paid for it. It’s science!
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
my anxiety is at an all time high because i keep getting texts that begin like ‘anna, we need to check in’ or ‘this is a difficult message to send’ and for a second i think it’s my boyfriend breaking up with me before i realize they’re all from tim walz
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Rapunzel! Let down your CVS receipt.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.