How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
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Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
I unironically love this joke.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.