Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:

So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.

A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.

People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.

Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.

Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.

*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*

OMG is bellyache a symptom?!

It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.

me: a weirdo broke into my house

cop: are you positive it was a weirdo

me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me

I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.

boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means

me: it must be Wednesday

When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.

Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.

Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.

Monsters, Inc. 3:

It’s harder to make kids laugh

The Internet has made them jaded

The monster need help

They teach the kids to smoke pot

Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man

“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him

microsoft: want to make this a trusted document?

me: yes

[next time opening the document]

microsoft: what the hell is this. i’m scared

My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.

Never forget.

Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’

Me: you can’t be seriousful

It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.

If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.

Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store

i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces

Dog: *just lookin at me*

Me: go lay down

Dog: ok.

Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*

Me: *wincing* thank you

Cat: damn right thank you

Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.

Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer

Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.

Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it