“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
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cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
In space, no one can hear…
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
How often were people sneezing into salad bars before they invented the sneeze guard?
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
massage therapist asked how I felt about chiropractics and I told her the guy who invented it says he learned it from a ghost and that shut the conversation down pretty quick
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?