“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
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My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
Yep.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
“How funny would it be if we made the packaging hard to open on a regular day, but nearly impossible if you’re bleeding out?”
– makers of band-aids
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score