Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.

I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.

Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?

We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.

My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix

(Jupiter –

*sends epic tweet*

[no likes 3 hours later]

*waits 2 weeks, sends again*

[no likes 1 day later]

*starts typing*

NSA: dude, let it go

Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.

Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep

Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.

I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?

😉

I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.

The man who makes the giant eclairs in our local patisserie is retiring next month. There’ll be some big chouxs to fill when he goes

Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??

Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars

doctor: can you describe the pain?

me: i have a knife sticking into me

doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain

me: sharp

doctor: like a knife?

me: yes, exactly that

doctor: *proudly* its my first day

November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain

In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them

you: weird flex but ok

an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless

me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas

Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’

ㅤ

I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.

In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh

My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right

2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.

PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected

ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!

Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.

Saw an Italian nativity scene:

• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys

Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.