Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If our tax money went towards funding healthy fried chicken research, I think we’d all be a little more understanding.

Benefits of dating me:

1. You’re the smart one

Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.

Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.

Her:

Him:

Her:

Him: Be right back…

Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what

Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.

Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.

You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?

I shit my pants last week, which is crazy because I’m usually more of a toilet guy.

My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.

Me: But she’s the right kid?

Wife: Yes. But…

Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.

Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.

Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.

Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.

At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me

Monday?
No. Next question.

[Argument at family dinner]

Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.

Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.

cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*

Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours

[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere

Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.

My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”

Boom, boom, ching!

Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.

Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.

13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.

Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.

My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.

Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025

I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol

People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”

Ferrari squats