How to have a good marriage:
1. Hold hands
2. Cuddle
3. Take out the trash like I have been telling you to do ALL DAY Craig
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I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.