how to have an accident 101
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Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
Chief Wiggum, Springfield PD, here… they’re doing WHAT?
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”