how to have an accident 101
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You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
waiter: are there any allergies at the table?
me (already drunk): BEES
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Me: I’m Absolutely broke
State of the art tech advertisers who know every single detail of my life: She needs the nicest most expensive bag ever! Oh and Taylor Swift tickets, at 3 times the original price!
#wtfuture
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Told my 18yo we’re out of mac’n’cheese, so he’d have to do something else for lunch for once. He says, “I’ll just break into my personal stash.” Goes into his room, rummages around, comes out with two boxes of Annie’s mac’n’cheese.
?????
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast. It’s just an onion man why don’t you relax
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.