how to have an accident 101
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Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
9: [doing something dangerous]
me: ok look I’m afraid you’re going to slip, fall and crack your head open and die
9: you’re always afraid of something like that.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.