how to have fun when you’re poor
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The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
me
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Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
Pot warmers of the day.
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I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 5am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.