how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
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Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
Remember to not aim fireworks at anyone unless it’s that person who keeps microwaving fish at the office
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?