How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person buy you these lovely wind chimes?
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Please, if you ever offer me a snack and I say no, ask me again, I didn’t mean it the first time
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
some Old Testament wisdom
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
If politicians can text my cell phone asking for money I should be able to text them directly with policy suggestions.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
