How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
Storm Tropical Storm
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
I was at the post office and someone at the back of the line said “do you mind if I skip to the front? I just need to mail a package” and the bravest man in the world said “do you think we’re all here for fun?”
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
Ladies, why y’all do this?
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
