How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Mouse
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
No matter how much Polynesian food you eat, you always want Samoa.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
