How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
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My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Can anyone recommend some basic intrusive thoughts for someone looking to get into anxiety?
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
My brother drank a bourbon and challenged my kids to Mario Kart. My kids are about to learn how annoying it is to lose to my brother when he’s drunk.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
Finally got to experience my longtime dream today of getting sent the wrong zoom link for a meeting and entering a different, much more important meeting where everyone stared at their screen in confusion until the person in charge politely asked me who I was
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
I have worked as a chef for over twenty years, and I can confirm that the “correct” way to cook scrambled eggs is whichever way makes you happy.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
*walking into someone’s house with healthy, thriving houseplants everywhere*
Me: Oh, I see you dabble in witchcraft.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off