@WigCannon

how to hot dogs:

1) “read” hot dogs instructions
2) place 5 to 60 hot dogs in warm microwave or sink
3) add 1 piece of ketchup
4( drink

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@galiamango

I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.

@simoncholland

My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.

@SteveSuckington

[camping]

“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”

-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.

@Reverend_Scott

October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?

@stephenjmolloy

Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”

Me: “My personal identification number number?”

*he stabs me*

@AnniemuMary

Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.

@LOUD_Thoughts_

I don’t think I’ll get married again. I’ll just find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.