Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
how to hot dogs:
1) “read” hot dogs instructions
2) place 5 to 60 hot dogs in warm microwave or sink
3) add 1 piece of ketchup
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“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
me : * dont let them know how awkward you are *
them : nice weather
me : thanks
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
You know that moment when you close a cupboard and hear something fall? That’s the sound of someone else’s problem
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Horton hears a who
Horton hears a what
Horton hears a chicka chicka slim shady
Horton is listening to Eminem