I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
how to hot dogs:
1) “read” hot dogs instructions
2) place 5 to 60 hot dogs in warm microwave or sink
3) add 1 piece of ketchup
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My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
“do you like string?”
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
I don’t think I’ll get married again. I’ll just find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions: