how to hot dogs:

1) “read” hot dogs instructions
2) place 5 to 60 hot dogs in warm microwave or sink
3) add 1 piece of ketchup
4( drink

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I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.


My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.



“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”

-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.


October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.


[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?


Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”

Me: “My personal identification number number?”

*he stabs me*


Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.


I don’t think I’ll get married again. I’ll just find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.