Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”

Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.

*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.

The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.

[first time hearing bag pipes]

ME: What a pleasant experience.

[1 minute later]

ME: This can stop.

oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???

I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.

If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.

2019: starts making risotto

2021: almost done but not quite

If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.

[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you

I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.

this is the greatest thing ever

My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.

Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.

Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us

Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*

me: are there really aliens at area 51

pentagon official: that’s confidential

me: then how’d i hear about it

My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”

Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.

It’ll teach them to share, we said.

We are idiots.

I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”

Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.

YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!

I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME

What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.

Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon

Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle

me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings

“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”

aaaaand….now I’m bald.