How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
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My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
[forgetting what kombucha is called] do you guys sell bacteria cider
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
whatcha thinkin bout
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.