Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches

every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong

[after recapturing an escaped convict]

sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”

convict:

deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”

sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”

I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.

I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.

Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.

[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice

If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.

you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”

I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.

Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.

FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]

I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.

Day 2 of my writing tips. As the greatest writer of my generation, I love helping young up-and-coming writers how to succeed in the biz. Today’s lesson is all about how to write a great murder mystery 👍

What did the 0 said to O?

Ohio!

Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.

*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy

Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.

Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?

– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.

[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues

Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.

Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.

At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.

Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.

Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.

Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…

Me: That’s all I got my man.

lots of war chat today so it is time to remind everyone that you did not in fact fight in world war 2, that was a film you saw

Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.

Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.

[teaching my dog to shake hands]

NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?

Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.

Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett

My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.