How to keep a man happy:
1) Phone him 86 times a day
2) Wail hysterically
3) Be needy
4) Never sleep with him
5) Buy yourself shoes

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wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot


SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment

ME: what if it’s sent by ship

SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo


HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime

ME: i can change, Becky


ME: into a semi truck


When people say ‘oh, you’re still single?’

I like to reply with ‘wow, you’re still married?’

I’m popular.


If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?


Rememeber when Uruguay fans got angry at Paul Dummett for injuring Suarez & then used Google Translate to insult him


“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.


If a tree falls in the woods and the wife’s not there to witness it, it’ll be my fault when i get home.


Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update

Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*


JOSH: Hey dad
DAD: Oh my god is your name still Josh
JOSH: Um yeah
DAD: We’re changing it
JOSH: No please don-
DAD: It’s done
ERIC: What the