How to keep the seat next to you empty.
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Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
To think, these Olympic divers were once annoying kids making their parents “watch this” as they did the same exact lame dive 37 times in a row
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
🤷♀️
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
just left a huge legacy in there
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Not all heroes wear capes…
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush