HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
You Might Also Like
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
someone interviewed me once and i said, “remember blogs and forums in the mid-2000s?” and he said “haha, no i was a baby”
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
I enjoy a good horror movie before bed so I can be POSITIVE there is a demon in my closet waiting to possess me.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Obsessed with when babies see a younger baby and say “baby!” Like girl, ur the Spider-Man meme right now
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
