Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*brings a mattress to a trust fall*

police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*

Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.

Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.

#dalle2

I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.

I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.

ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”

ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”

Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…

Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*

*orders sushi for delivery*

*throws towel over aquarium*

“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”

Skywritten letters:

SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR

[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.

Me: *facepalm*

CDC: Stop that.

Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians

Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.

[job interview]

“What’s your greatest weakness?”

Alcohol

“Umm ok, how about strengths?”

*pouring him a shot* Sharing

Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.

how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05

how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15

Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?

Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.

Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778

The bath is too wet

– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming

Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?

Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.

Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?

Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”

Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.

While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.

My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet

Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.