HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
You Might Also Like
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut