Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.

Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”

I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.

There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p

God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?

interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years

me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)

[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal

If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.

hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep

every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.

*plot gets twisted.

plot: Ouch!

Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.

when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there

Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.

My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.

3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap

Me: That’s fine, take a nap

3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning

Me: Great!

3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!

Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!

I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.

so weird how every mom was born today

I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.

I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.

I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.

My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.

How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life

[My first day as an architecture major]

*raises hand*

When are we going to learn how to build gingerbread houses?

FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.

me: siiiiigh…f#ck these people

boss: you’re not on mute

me: i know.

The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.

I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.

Yes my dude

Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.