How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
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a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
*cough*
two bros having a conversation in the 1700s like “omg we should totally start a pamphlet”
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
*bites zombie*
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
