Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.

Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.

suspect: i ain’t talkin

cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]

suspect: can i have some

cop: cake is for talkers

Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“

Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert

No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.

[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER!

[1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.

My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*

My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.

[First day as pirate]

*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*

Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!

airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”

“Be careful. That ice is slippery” – Everyone after you slip on ice.

My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.

grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?

me: no. one only.

DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!

Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework

First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with Friends

Him:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*

If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.

scrooge: who are you

ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present

scrooge: so santa claus

ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT

I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.

ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know

me: how bad is it

dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise

[later]

wife: what did the doctor say

me: linda….i’m dying

Justify your alcoholism by having children.

20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.

Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.

flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane

me: this is my emotional support refrigerator

the lady behind me in line at the grocery store saw my lil cake and was like ‘oh whats the occasion?’ maam the occasion is i have adult money and enjoy cake

I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.

‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’

~dogs in therapy

You ever go to a baseball game and hear a guy yelling, “hotdogs! hotdogs!” over and over again?

That’s me, looking for hotdogs.

Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.