How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
You Might Also Like
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds